What you wear says who you are, no words required.
And if your style represents who you are, then China Messycow and America Messycow are two entirely different people.
Live in America and you won’t necessarily get fat. You won’t necessarily get rich.
But you will — guaranteed — get frumpy.
Blame the sheer acreage of countryside here, and the population density, or lack of it.
It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a slow, drop-by-drop metamorphosis. You start out a bright little butterfly, and then life grinds you down, the environment incubates you, and you finally emerge as a nice plump cocoon.
The transformation runs through five levels. Show me what someone looks like, and I’ll tell you how long they’ve been in America.
Generally speaking, this is you during your first year here.
Rookie-phase signs: study room at dawn, park in the afternoon, supermarket at nine at night — doesn’t matter, you show up in a carefully coordinated, precious little outfit.
You do not care what anyone thinks.
Designer handbag: standard equipment.
Two or three years in, you reach this level.
Signs: you can actually find things to buy in American malls now — even the feminine stuff, heels and dresses.
Americans compliment your outfits all the time.
I’m just not a slob like the rest of you!
You think this to yourself, often.
Years three to five land you here.
You keep asking yourself one question: am I overdressed?
Dresses start to feel awkward — unless it’s a date, a special day, a big occasion.
You start complimenting women in dresses, and wondering where on earth they’re headed.
Your standards have dropped a long, long way. But you still have a bottom line:
After year five, you arrive at this level.
You own five pairs of yoga pants in five colors and ten pairs of gym leggings in ten lengths, despite doing neither yoga nor gym.
You wear them absolutely everywhere, unembarrassed, as though nothing could be more appropriate.
But you still have a bottom line:
Clothes come from actual clothing stores… right?
Buying your wardrobe at the grocery store means you’ve given up on yourself… right?
This level has no year requirement. The moment you think “I need clothes” and your brain answers Target, Walmart, Fred Meyer, Costco — congratulations.
You have reached the final level!
So — which level are you?
Messycow, April 2, 2021, Seattle. This post is pure entertainment and represents only my own opinion. Fashionable people: I know you exist. Please don’t come at me. Thank you.
